Giving it up

God asked me today if I was willing to let go. 

He wondered if He could carry it for me.

To put things out of my control and into his.

Am I willing to let it go and let it be?

He's watched me stagger forward

and try to carry it on my own

He's offered to lend a hand

But this is a seed I have sown

I don't want to share my burden

I don't think it is fair

I know that's He's willing

I know that He is there

I struggle with my heavy load

I carry it all within my heart

I know that I need His help

Before I fall apart

So, yeah, I don't really have words I guess to really share what's going on in my heart. There is a burden that I can't bare, but I don't know how to let go and give it to God. It's there, it hurts, I can feel it's pressure. I know that if I hand it over to Him, He can take it upon Himself. Yet, even though He is reaching out, I can't seem to drop this burden into His hands.

So, yeah, Valentines Day. Why am I struggling with this day? Look how far I have gone in the past year with it just being God and I. I am amazed over and over again with what He is doing in my life and yet here I sit, longing for more.

ugh. What is more to me tho? What exactly do I long for?

I long for someone that makes me feel more 'me' than anything else. Someone who lets me be in the role that God created me to be and not an extreeme version of that role. Someone who loves God and has a desire for Him that is greater than his desire for me.

That's pretty much it. I don't have alot of criteria, but what I do have is major.

ugh ugh.

Light-enchanted sunflower, thou
  Who gazest ever true and tender
    On the sun's revolving splendour.
      - Pedro Calderon de la Barca, Magico Prodigioso

Why am I fighting God? I know of His greatness, His love, His wonder, His power... and yet I can't seem to grasp that what He has planned for me is what is best for me. I think "I would so much prefer to do this or that" when in reality I know where my heart lies. My flesh is crying out for the easy way when I know that I will never be content with that because taking 'the easy way' is not what God has meant for me to do. He has challenged me with my faith in so many ways, and for what reason? So that I can just settle? No, so that I can be prepared for the adventure that awaits me. I need to keep my eyes on God, I need to mimic the sunflower, so that I can be strengthened, so that His warmth and light will be on me, so that I can grow to my full potential. And in the dark, I will be protected from the wrath that is there, because I know:

He is with me.

Thoughts

I've been wondering more and more about life and it's purposes. I compare my future life to my sister's and it is so different. My sister is going to be doing the 'American Dream' she's going to have her house, her husband, her children, and so much more. And what will my life be like? Right now I have no plans, no definite 'purpose', and no prospects of even what I may do with my life or who I may share it with. I know wants me to go to NTBI, no doubt in my mind, and I know that He'll provide. But, what awaits me? I am excited and scared at the same time! Not knowing is a big fear for me, but I know that He is in control.

Tired of Wanting.

I want Jesus to be enough for me. I want to be content. I want to find all my happiness in Him.

I lie awake at night trying to figure out how everything is going to come together and I can here God saying, "Amanda, don't worry. I'm here." And I think, "I know You're here, so what? Nothing is being done."

But, I am wrong. Something is always being done. I'm just not seeing the 'right now' of it. But, I always do see the results if I am patient and if I trust.

It's a fact of my life that I will always fail at my assesments of God's desires.